conjuring up our melancholy.

time for the annual thanksgiving trip to Sudbury, massachusetts, and so far this year is not seeming to be much more hopeful than any other. maybe i'm entering this with the wrong attitude, but i can't help but feel strongly pessimistic and melancholic. maybe a more optimistic view would help the situation?

Doubtful. but i'll attempt it.

what're the pros of the trip?

1. seeing 2 family members i adore. not to mention, they're two of my best friends.

2. the wonderfully cold weather. 45 degrees and raining, yes please.

3. well i do love to travel. i get giddy just being at the airport, and plane rides are my favorite form of travel.

4. RELAX. take a much needed break from school and working. reading and laying in bed as much as i want.

i'm sure there are others, but this list was much needed, seeing as i was on the brink of hiding myself in the bathroom in order to avoid the trip. now i'm a tad more excited.

thanks blogger.

a little bit more motivation.

They say the truth will set us free!

This is why I say...

"This is the end, my only friend."
I am pulling my courage once again.
I always knew you'd be watching your T.V.
This is the end.

Give me just a little bit, a little bit of motivation.

-Delta Spirit

did i miss the point?

as part of an optional assignment this summer, i was told to create a worry list, detailing every possible trouble, stress, or negative thought to cross my mind.

once forming the entire list, step two was to mentally and logically go through the list, sorting through the reasonable worries from the foolish and useless ones.

step three was to then forget about the unreasonable worries and focus on how to change, improve, and eliminate the plausible list.

step four? enjoy life, worry free. or that was the eventual goal. 

unfortunately, i utterly and bitterly failed this assignment. i made it all the way through step one when i decided to quit. by the time my list of worries had reached #45, i had stumbled into a despairing and unhelpful gloom, surprised and downtrodden by my extensive list.

however, i didn't quit right away. as i attempted step two, my state of negativity made every worry appear reasonable, which further decreased my mood. 

since that fateful list, my mind has remained somewhat heavy and overcast. usually a positive person to the point of being unrealistic, i have been rather pessimistic consistently. 

but at what point are human emotions and moods controllable or incontrollable? is it my own mind allowing myself to remain in this leaden mood, or did my worry list really have such a lasting effect?

i have always believed that our feelings and emotions are pretty much uncontrollable-determined rather by situations, words, and our morals rather than chosen individually. 

but then you have to factor in our own responsibility and accountability. 

what distinguishes the difference between simply a bad mood and a serious issue?

realizations

1. I've come to realize that my body...
...will never match those of the majority of oc girls

2. I've come to realize that my job...
...is the best one i could ask for.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
...i'm much more aggressive than expected.

4. I've come to realize that I need...
...one day for absolute nothingness but reading, reflecting, and writing.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
...motivation, much to my dismay.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
...people argue for the sake of being right.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
...it's a dream, because that won't be happening anytime soon.

8. I've come to realize that money...
...is not worth any form of disgusting or terrible dare.

9. I've come to realize that people....
...aren't always what i expect them to be.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...
...too attached for my own good.

11. I've come to realize that if I drunk dial people...
...see number 7

12. I've come to realize that my mom...
...really does try her best. usually

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is...
...not the coolest thing i own, like i previously believed.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
...it was still monday morning, although i certainly hoped i was wrong.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
...5 hours is a terrific start amount of rest to start the week.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
...summer trips. new people. new experiences.

17. I've come to realize that my Dad...
...possesses many qualities i pray do not get passed down to me.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on MySpace...
...i am seeking entertainment.

19. I've come to realize that today...
...was a thinking day.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
...is going to be filled with delightful homework.

21.I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...
...be waiting for wednesday. thursday. friday..

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
...get focused on the most important things.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to read this will be...
...myself.

24. I've come to realize that life...
...is unpredictable. cheesy but true

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
...is unknown still.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
...bob dylan's "the freewheelin' bob dylan" album or "positively 4th street"
27. I've come to realize that my friends...
...are few, but one of a kind.

28. I've come to realize that this year...
...is passing by much more quickly than expected.

dear mr. therapist

writing is my therapy. and each word, line, paragraph, the therapist. as it comes spilling out i can visualize him sitting there, nodding and taking notes in his spiral book. 

during each session, i'm free to scream, yell, sob, laugh, get angry, break down,

fall apart. it's freeing, liberating. like a suffocating chain that is spontaneously

broken from around my thoughts. how wonderful is freedom of expression- my opinions,

feelings, words, none of them can be judged. they're mine. my property. completely 

under my own control and authority.

however, during the occasional session, those walls of control fall apart. and as 

words spurt forth from my fingertips, i have no power over what story they decide 

to tell. the beautiful part? no one knows the truth. my words can be filled with 

truth and sincerity or more closely resemble a tall tale. 

my words are filled with quotes, stories, images, thoughts, dreams- all my own and 

unaware of their reliability. but honestly, what does it matter either way? it's 

word vomit. continuous phrases and in-cohesive ideas that emit what i'm feeling at 

that very moment. 

the therapist turns the page of his book, enough information to write a short story 

filled with my thoughts. as nonsense and nothingness continue to flow throughout the 

pages, they retreat to a common idea. sad. angry. happy. overwhelmed. scared. whatever

the feeling of the day is. furious. depressed. overjoyed. confused. they vary from day 

to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. each period of time is as unpredictable as the

one before. 

today? hurt. longing. frustrated. overwhelmed. i don't know how to express these 

feelings healthily. until my fingers come into contact with that lovely pen and page. 

and at that moment, i become enraptured with clearing out my head. my words stumble over 

each other through my rush. it's as if the words won't come out fast enough, but i have 

no way to speed up there delivery.

an obnoxious ringing timer symbolizes the end of our session. "until tomorrow," the 

therapist tells me, closing his book. my fingers stop their rapid movements. my head stops

spinning. and my heart rate slows. tomorrow will be a new day, new emotions, and a new session.

last few yards

One month left, and the race begins. It is no longer the marathon we had all been running, but a sprint. Whoever makes it to the finish fastest, and in one piece, wins. 

It's a competition. And the prize? Two months of carefree, peaceful bliss. Free of competitors and running, until September when we prepare for our next cross country meet.

However, in this race, just like any other, it's the last few yards that matter most. It's in those quick moments that the entire outcome of the race is decided. Trip and fall, and you miss first place entirely. 

So you keep your eyes forward and feet moving as fast as you can. Try to ignore the thousands of stomping feet pounding in your ear, and make it to the end successfully. Some will win, many will make it, and some will lose. But it all depends on those last few yards. 

It's when we aren't paying attention that the school year passes us by. Wake up one day with thoughts of Thanksgiving and Christmas vacations, show up to school the next moment and you're sitting in a silent room, taking STAR tests. 

where did the time go? When we weren't watching, the miles of our marathon flew by, and we ended up at the last few yards.

For me, it's those last few yards that are the hardest. Those other 7 1/2 months? Piece of cake. But it's in this last month and a half where the stress and pressure of the year comes raining down, while I'm completely off my guard.

Then the meltdowns come, followed by the unstable victories and failures in each different subject. Thoughts of giving up drift and settle into my brain, urging me to stop trying and give up trying to focus on school. 

What's the most draining part of the last 2 months of school? The struggle to resist the temptation of giving up. It's the daily conscious decision to focus and try just as hard as the day before. 

Some days are easier than others, and some days are a struggle to walk through the looming gates towards another tedious day.

As your foot crosses over that infamous finish line, it's that overwhelming feeling of accomplishment and strength that makes the entire marathon worth it. 

It's all in your head

OVERWHELMING EXHAUSTION. 

of my mind.

of my body. 

of my heart.

of my eyes. ears. senses. 

of my willpower and willingness.

of my stamina and perseverance. 

of myself.

I've been deteriorating for quite some time. like the rockstreesanimalsnatureseas surrounding us.

it's a struggle to continue moving forward with the same passion and strength of before. i'm weak.

lacking energy, passion, drive, esteem.

on the brink of wilting, yearning for the next rainfall to rejuvenate the old flame to continue moving on. moving forward.

striving. trying. achieving. reaching. doing. trying. caring. giving. 

"For us, there is only the trying. The result is not our business."

- T.S. Elliot

Superficial Stereotypical.

YOU.

find it necessary to be the best. at all costs.

can't handle honesty. maturity.

find it difficult to talk to me. especially when you're wrong.

lie to my face. easily.

put on a facade. 

laugh. cry. love. hate. feel. think. just like me. yet completely differently. 

push my down. help me up. tear me open. stitch me up. 

confuse me. 

cause tears. joy. pain. frustration. annoyance. anger. all at once.

speak without thinking. act without considering.

serve yourself.

HOW. 

do you do this?

not care?

not think? 

many times has this happened? to you? to me?

difficult is it for you?

does it come naturally?

or do you bury your guilt?

does your mind work?

DON'T YOU KNOW.

it hurts.

it causes tears. and pain.

it puzzles.

how to care. for others.

it's not about first place.

it eventually fades away.

this is all so superficial. 

maturity vs. immaturity.

I.

cry.

laugh. 

am silent.

scream.

ponder your actions. thoughts. words. feelings

ponder my own. 

confess. 

get angry. 

am irrational.

regret.

speak without thinking. act without considering. the consequences.

am similar to you. but different.

WE.

are one in the same. on occasion.

are night and day. most of the time.

get angry. fight. yell. scream.

laugh. talk. smile. share.

have grown. together. and apart.

relate in some areas. 

don't understand each other.

lie. fake. pretend.

are the same. but you are YOU. and i am I.

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time...

While rummaging through a variety of miscellaneous boxes the other day, I enjoyed a good laugh when I stumbled upon this little treasure.

After composing myself, I began to think about just how long ago that really was.To think, that i was 2 or 3 years old then, fourteen or fifteen years ago, stunned me. I can barely remember the first day of Freshman year, a year and a half ago. So to look at a picture taken that long ago, and then to take a look at where I am today, came as an unexpected surprise.

We're constantly told, "It'll be done before you know it" or "you're growing up so fast", or some combination of the two, and we disregard it completely. To us, time goes by so incredibly slowly, that to imagine ourselves even five years from now, seems virtually impossible. 

But if we look bad a few months, a few years ago, how quickly did that time go by? Wasn't it only yesterday we took our first steps onto our new high school campus', not knowing what to expect? And wasn't it just last week when we were still afraid of the other sex because they were gross? 

Five years I was getting prepared to enter middle school, and I was pretty sure I was the coolest thing to come. Five years from now, I'll be 21, in college, living life independently and as an adult. Five years ago I can remember like it was yesterday, but five years into the future, seems as unreal as possible. 

We hear from adults to make the most of our youth, don't take our teenage years for granted, seize all opportunities- but how many people can really say they do that? We wake up each morning, dreading school and the work ahead of us. We come home, procrastinating and wasting our time with modern technologies. And all the time in between we spend bitching about all that we have to go through and deal with. When will we wake up and realize how fast our youth years are moving without us realizing it?

Until recently, I was so ready to be an adult, I practically counted the days. Now I still am eager and excited for the many years to come when I'll be independent and an adult, but that's not for a few more years, so why not take advantage of my teenage ones? Taking every available opportunity, making the most of each day, and still striving to be successful during these years. I don't want to wish I had done more, participated more, experienced more, learned more in high school.

That's why regardless that I may not realize just how close adulthood may be, I've made the conscious effort to experience now. Today. Tomorrow. And my little-over-2-years left of high school. 

*So my topic/point sorta shifted halfway through, but if you look hard enough, you can make the connection :]

One little train...

Because of recent circumstances, i have come upon a new belief.

I believe we're all born with the same amount of hope inside us. Now at first there isn't much, because we only recently have entered the world. But as we grow up, we trust, and therefore our hope increases. 

We depend on those around- our parents for the main part- and put our full faith in them, for they are not only our providers, but our caregivers, our comforts, and the only people there for us as we stumble, fall, and get back up.

However, our increasing hope doesn't continue forever. At a certain point, all the hope we once had dissolves completely, perhaps because of a betray of trust or a disappointment. This moment of realization isn't the same for all, but oh yes it comes to all of us eventually, no matter what we do to prevent it.

After we slowly mend and heal from our betrayal, our hope sluggishly comes back to us, with every caring or thoughtful act we experience, until we are back to our old hopeful selves.

Then, like an unexpected wave, that betrayal or disappointment returns, stinging worse than the last. Unplanned, unprepared, and completely devastated, we take longer to heal this time. Not only our hope vanished, but our hearts cracked.

On continues this pattern of despair and disappointment, followed by slowly picking up the pieces of our shattered hearts and hopes, and putting them back together again. As we grow up, the circumstances change, but the feelings are the same, but magnified. 

Now there are different responses to this crush of hope:

Some harden themselves. Their hearts, their emotions. No longer open to invite compassion and care into their lives, for fear of being disappointed once again. They push people away, refusing to become attached to any one or thing, so sure in their minds that they will be left alone to pick up the pieces once again. Close friends and loves are a distant memory of their pasts, but close in their heads are the pain and hurt that those close people caused them.

The other group are those who choose to continue this pattern of disappointment and rebuilding of hope, because they realize its worth. Although the pain of it can be tremendous, the good outcomes of trusting and caring outshine the bad. No matter how far they are pushed down, they continue to come back up and trust again, no matter how long it takes them. They give everyone a chance, and close friends are a vital aspect of their lives. Sometimes these may be the people who are hurt more, but the experiences they live and the people that come and go, can change their entire lives and outlooks.

As much as I sometimes wish I could block myself away and turn my back on hope and trusting everyone, I tend to find myself as the second group, continuing to trust and lean on those around me, perhaps even when I shouldn't. However, I do believe that, along with love, hope and trust are the only things to make our lives meaningful and worth living. I'd rather go through life, falling down, but somehow managing to get back up, then to spend it alone with no one close to depend on.

Because although everyone will let us down at one point, there are the people out there for every person that will be loyal to them, and manage to keep their hope intact, if they are open to give them the chance.

It's hard to remember in the lowest times, but things can only get better. Hope and trust are the two roads leading back to better times, and truly the only way to live a satisfying life. 

So, just a little train of thought I've recently come upon. It may not all connect to some, but it does to me, and really, isn't that all that matters?

"I feel that writing is an act of hope, a sort of communion with our fellow men."

"Despair is a paralyzing feeling. It only benefits our enemies."