It's all in your head

OVERWHELMING EXHAUSTION. 

of my mind.

of my body. 

of my heart.

of my eyes. ears. senses. 

of my willpower and willingness.

of my stamina and perseverance. 

of myself.

I've been deteriorating for quite some time. like the rockstreesanimalsnatureseas surrounding us.

it's a struggle to continue moving forward with the same passion and strength of before. i'm weak.

lacking energy, passion, drive, esteem.

on the brink of wilting, yearning for the next rainfall to rejuvenate the old flame to continue moving on. moving forward.

striving. trying. achieving. reaching. doing. trying. caring. giving. 

"For us, there is only the trying. The result is not our business."

- T.S. Elliot

Superficial Stereotypical.

YOU.

find it necessary to be the best. at all costs.

can't handle honesty. maturity.

find it difficult to talk to me. especially when you're wrong.

lie to my face. easily.

put on a facade. 

laugh. cry. love. hate. feel. think. just like me. yet completely differently. 

push my down. help me up. tear me open. stitch me up. 

confuse me. 

cause tears. joy. pain. frustration. annoyance. anger. all at once.

speak without thinking. act without considering.

serve yourself.

HOW. 

do you do this?

not care?

not think? 

many times has this happened? to you? to me?

difficult is it for you?

does it come naturally?

or do you bury your guilt?

does your mind work?

DON'T YOU KNOW.

it hurts.

it causes tears. and pain.

it puzzles.

how to care. for others.

it's not about first place.

it eventually fades away.

this is all so superficial. 

maturity vs. immaturity.

I.

cry.

laugh. 

am silent.

scream.

ponder your actions. thoughts. words. feelings

ponder my own. 

confess. 

get angry. 

am irrational.

regret.

speak without thinking. act without considering. the consequences.

am similar to you. but different.

WE.

are one in the same. on occasion.

are night and day. most of the time.

get angry. fight. yell. scream.

laugh. talk. smile. share.

have grown. together. and apart.

relate in some areas. 

don't understand each other.

lie. fake. pretend.

are the same. but you are YOU. and i am I.

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time...

While rummaging through a variety of miscellaneous boxes the other day, I enjoyed a good laugh when I stumbled upon this little treasure.

After composing myself, I began to think about just how long ago that really was.To think, that i was 2 or 3 years old then, fourteen or fifteen years ago, stunned me. I can barely remember the first day of Freshman year, a year and a half ago. So to look at a picture taken that long ago, and then to take a look at where I am today, came as an unexpected surprise.

We're constantly told, "It'll be done before you know it" or "you're growing up so fast", or some combination of the two, and we disregard it completely. To us, time goes by so incredibly slowly, that to imagine ourselves even five years from now, seems virtually impossible. 

But if we look bad a few months, a few years ago, how quickly did that time go by? Wasn't it only yesterday we took our first steps onto our new high school campus', not knowing what to expect? And wasn't it just last week when we were still afraid of the other sex because they were gross? 

Five years I was getting prepared to enter middle school, and I was pretty sure I was the coolest thing to come. Five years from now, I'll be 21, in college, living life independently and as an adult. Five years ago I can remember like it was yesterday, but five years into the future, seems as unreal as possible. 

We hear from adults to make the most of our youth, don't take our teenage years for granted, seize all opportunities- but how many people can really say they do that? We wake up each morning, dreading school and the work ahead of us. We come home, procrastinating and wasting our time with modern technologies. And all the time in between we spend bitching about all that we have to go through and deal with. When will we wake up and realize how fast our youth years are moving without us realizing it?

Until recently, I was so ready to be an adult, I practically counted the days. Now I still am eager and excited for the many years to come when I'll be independent and an adult, but that's not for a few more years, so why not take advantage of my teenage ones? Taking every available opportunity, making the most of each day, and still striving to be successful during these years. I don't want to wish I had done more, participated more, experienced more, learned more in high school.

That's why regardless that I may not realize just how close adulthood may be, I've made the conscious effort to experience now. Today. Tomorrow. And my little-over-2-years left of high school. 

*So my topic/point sorta shifted halfway through, but if you look hard enough, you can make the connection :]

One little train...

Because of recent circumstances, i have come upon a new belief.

I believe we're all born with the same amount of hope inside us. Now at first there isn't much, because we only recently have entered the world. But as we grow up, we trust, and therefore our hope increases. 

We depend on those around- our parents for the main part- and put our full faith in them, for they are not only our providers, but our caregivers, our comforts, and the only people there for us as we stumble, fall, and get back up.

However, our increasing hope doesn't continue forever. At a certain point, all the hope we once had dissolves completely, perhaps because of a betray of trust or a disappointment. This moment of realization isn't the same for all, but oh yes it comes to all of us eventually, no matter what we do to prevent it.

After we slowly mend and heal from our betrayal, our hope sluggishly comes back to us, with every caring or thoughtful act we experience, until we are back to our old hopeful selves.

Then, like an unexpected wave, that betrayal or disappointment returns, stinging worse than the last. Unplanned, unprepared, and completely devastated, we take longer to heal this time. Not only our hope vanished, but our hearts cracked.

On continues this pattern of despair and disappointment, followed by slowly picking up the pieces of our shattered hearts and hopes, and putting them back together again. As we grow up, the circumstances change, but the feelings are the same, but magnified. 

Now there are different responses to this crush of hope:

Some harden themselves. Their hearts, their emotions. No longer open to invite compassion and care into their lives, for fear of being disappointed once again. They push people away, refusing to become attached to any one or thing, so sure in their minds that they will be left alone to pick up the pieces once again. Close friends and loves are a distant memory of their pasts, but close in their heads are the pain and hurt that those close people caused them.

The other group are those who choose to continue this pattern of disappointment and rebuilding of hope, because they realize its worth. Although the pain of it can be tremendous, the good outcomes of trusting and caring outshine the bad. No matter how far they are pushed down, they continue to come back up and trust again, no matter how long it takes them. They give everyone a chance, and close friends are a vital aspect of their lives. Sometimes these may be the people who are hurt more, but the experiences they live and the people that come and go, can change their entire lives and outlooks.

As much as I sometimes wish I could block myself away and turn my back on hope and trusting everyone, I tend to find myself as the second group, continuing to trust and lean on those around me, perhaps even when I shouldn't. However, I do believe that, along with love, hope and trust are the only things to make our lives meaningful and worth living. I'd rather go through life, falling down, but somehow managing to get back up, then to spend it alone with no one close to depend on.

Because although everyone will let us down at one point, there are the people out there for every person that will be loyal to them, and manage to keep their hope intact, if they are open to give them the chance.

It's hard to remember in the lowest times, but things can only get better. Hope and trust are the two roads leading back to better times, and truly the only way to live a satisfying life. 

So, just a little train of thought I've recently come upon. It may not all connect to some, but it does to me, and really, isn't that all that matters?

"I feel that writing is an act of hope, a sort of communion with our fellow men."

"Despair is a paralyzing feeling. It only benefits our enemies."

rain, rain...stay, don't go away

Finally it's here! After months and weeks of nothing but hot, sweaty weather, the cold and rain has come. It's probably already apparent that i adore the rain, everything about it. What's not to love?! So here's my list of great things that come only with rain:

1. let's start with attire. Who doesn't love rain boots, umbrellas, hoods, and hats?! It's the one time supervision WON'T yell at your for wearing a hood or take away your hat, so take advantage of it.

2. PUDDLE JUMPING. probably the greatest part of rainy days. you have fun, burn calories, and can seek revenge all in one simple jump. why not relax and act like an immature little kid again? 

3. no PE/running/sports. let's admit it, most of the time we dread going to practice/PE/anything athletic. well with the rain comes flooded fields, muddy tracks, and a lawsuit if you catch pneumonia from practice.

4. getting warm. there's nothing better than coming home from school soaking wet, putting on pajamas and socks, wrapping up in a blanket, and doing... absolutely nothing. put on a classic like Elf and you're set to go.

Well i know i could go on forever with all the pros that come with rain, and i'm sure you can reply with all the cons of it, but for once let's not be negative, but think about all that great things we get to have. so don't stay too cooped up during these rainy days, but GO OUTSIDE and enjoy it.

p.s. this is a note to those of you who freak out when you get wet/splashed/your hair gets messed up: GET OVER IT. it's already raining and it's inevitable that you're going to get wet, so why not embrace it and get soaked?! all right, that's all folks.

what to say

so what exactly do you write in a blog??

do you say how you're feeling or what's going on in your life? 

do you talk about your problems hoping for someone to read them and advise you?

or do you tell a story to make people feel a certain way?

how do you begin?

something captivating?

something creative?

or the simple facts?

the truth is: i don't know how to blog! does anyone really? isn't blogging whatever you want it to be? free expression of anything you want to say? being able to give people a view into your world and opinions? 

so i guess i can start with that. my opinions on:

school? worth the stress.

the future? what to look forward to.

true friends? mvps in life.

drama? inevitable.

war and politics? OVERRATED. (don't get me started)

music? vital.

writing? expression.

oc? just as overrated as politics.

technology? sad.

so i guess my opinions might vary from most. or they could be the same as yours. either way, it's my blog, my expression, right?